


Conversations Between the Excellent and the "Excellent"

by Jnpx



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Cockroaches, Dialogue Heavy, Dialogue-Only, Farting, Fluff, Hannibal Loves Will, Hannibal being a dick, Implied unconventional use of olive oil, M/M, Mushrooms, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sassy Will Graham, Will Loves Hannibal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-04-04 08:15:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14016054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jnpx/pseuds/Jnpx
Summary: Conversations between our favorite husbands.





	1. "Why not?"

“Have you ever done any type of hallucinogens Will?”

“No…?”

“....Was that a question?”

“Uh… I mean I guess I have.”

“Do you remember where or who with?”

“It was in college with my roommate, fucked if I can remember his name… the time we did drugs was the literal second time I had ever met him.”

“Tell me about that experience, was it enjoyable?”

“If by ‘enjoyable’ you mean not remembering it then it was enjoyable. My roommate came in the room with a ziploc bag saying ‘Check this out Graham’ or something. I remember his exact words describing it: ‘It feels like you’re getting fucked’”

“College is a breeding down for vulgarity.”

“ _ Sh’yea _ . After we took them we were absolutely fucked. My friend told us that we were running around campus naked screaming ‘The tomato Gods wished for our delicious clothes!’. I was surprised we hadn’t woken up in a damn jail cell. Considering I wasn’t the most sociable, I had made an unwanted reputation with that whole thing alone. Me and him were tormented as the ‘red boys’ the entire time I was there…”

“That is quite the anecdote. I would have never assumed you had ventured in that territory… I guess everyone handles drugs differently yes? However I can assure you that under my supervision no streaking shall be happening.”

“Supervision? What supervision and of what?”

“I propose that we venture in that territory.”

“...Pardon?”

“I propose that we vent-”

“Nono, I heard you… it’s just  _ what?” _

“Do you see an issue?”

“....”

“...”

“...”

“.....”

“....Just- Just give me a moment to process this….”

“Take all the time you need.”

“Okay. Let me get around my head. So you, a renowned psychiatrist, Count Hannibal Lecter MD, you wish, with your husband, to do drugs with him….?”

“Yes.”

“.......Why?”

“Why not?”

“...I guess that is a valid point...”

“The street term for what I have would be ‘shrooms’ I think. These group of mushrooms have psychedelic elements caused by the composition of either psilocybin, [ psilocin ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psilocin) or  baeocystin. As you already know… you will most likely hallucinate. However, under influence, I assure you I will allow no harm to come to you or me.”

“I’ve had  _ plenty _ of drug education Dr. Lecter. I’ve worked with the FBI after all and its not me potentially harming myself is not what I’m worried about…”

“What are you worried about then?”

“I don’t know… just- why the hell do you even want to this this with me?”

“As I previously stated; why not?”

“I know that answering questions with more questions is your forte but that isn’t getting us anywhere right now Dr. Lecter.”

“I guess we’ve left the first name basis Mr. Graham. But I guess my forte is situational. If that was entirely true would I be standing here calling you my husband?”

“Whatever you say  _ Hannibal _ .”

“You seem to be a in vexing mood today.”

“Can’t say I’m not”

“I’ve recently acquired them, the mushrooms. I was curious of how the experience would be with the both of us. I gave them to Abigail once, she was doing some inter-”

“You gave Abigail fucking shrooms??”

“Yes.”

“Why woul- You know what. I don’t even want to know.”

“She was under my careful watch.”

“That doesn’t suade me in the least...”

“She was fine Will…”

“...Just give me a second to process this. This seems far past the line of orthodox Hannibal.”

“After all we’ve been through dear Will do you really think I’ve paid ethical a visit? Orthodox? Or the very least conventional Will?”

“That is true. Where the hell did you even get these from?”

“I had them shipped in from a long time trusted friend.”

“Adding to the long list of things you are: Drug Dealer.”

“ _ Drug dealer?...  _ I can assure that I have no connections in any crime syn-”

“It was a  _ joke _ Hannibal.  _ A joke.  _ Don’t get your paisley boxers in a knot…”

“My undergarments are not paisley. You seem to be in very vexing mood today.”

“My husband is offering me drugs; I honestly don't know what mood I should be in right now…”

“Do you wish to proceed? Or would you like to discuss my attire again?”

“Im awfully curious about how this will end…”

“I’ve prepared a tea for us.”

“You can put mushrooms in tea?”

“You can do a lot of things with mushrooms. They’ve never had a definitive use Will. Do drink up now.”

“Whatever happens from this point on is all on you Hannibal…”

“Cheers.

 

**************

 

“You ever just think that your eyes are fucking puzzle pieces?”

“That is definitely a thought process I’ve yet to explore, I feel like- Hm”

“...”

“...”

“What?”

“....I- I apologize… it seems as if a- a giraffe has walked in uninvited into the room?”

“Oh wow! Really? I vote to keep it.”

“I vote in favor of that notion as well. I shall prepare a delectable feast for its arrival. It must be a ohem for luck obviously!”

“I want some mac and cheese Hanniball, make sure- Uh”

“We shall have the most fantastic dinner.”

“Um- Hannibal!”

“I need to run to the store for materials! We shall be the talk of the masses Will!”

“HANNIBAL”

“It will be extravagant for our guest of honor! I shall invite everyone we know!”

“HANNIBAL MY FUCKING HANDS ARE OCTOPUSES OMYFUCKINGGOD HANNIB-

“We shall have a marvelous time picking out spices!”

“-AL OH MY FUCKING GOD HANNIBAL MY HANDS IM GONNA FUCKIN DIE”

“Come along William, we’ve much, much, much to do.”

“AHHHHHHH”


	2. "HANNIBALLLL"

*girly screams*

"HANNIBALLLL"

"Will?! Will! Where are you?!"

"IN THE KITCHENNNN"

"Will! What in the world are you screaming bloody murder for! I thought you were hurt!"

"LOOK DOWN FUCKING THERE!"

"..."

"..."

"...What am I looking for?"

_"THATFUCKINGBUGCOCKROACHTHINGKILLIT!!_   _DONT LAUGH AT ME"_

_"_ After all we've done  _this_ is what makes you scream? Insects?"

"YES. CAN YOU JUST KILL IT PLEASE"

"Yes. Yes. Please do calm down though Will. I don't want noise complaints from our neighbors..."

"WHATEVER. JUST KILL IT"

"I don't think I want to kill it though Will, look at it. Doesn't all life deserve a chance as meager and insignificant it may turn out to be?"

"NO YOU FUCKING SADIST.  _I hope that fucking cockroach burns in the deepest pits of hell!_ KILL IT."

"Now Will, this phobia doesn't seem to be well-justified. How about you just touch it? The best way of getting rid of fear is facing them."

"FUCKIN- MY GOD HANNIBAL JUST KILL IT"

"Lets get over this."

" _Hannibal Lecter the VIII. If you fucking put that bug anywhere near me I will kill you."_

"....Will you're overreacting. Just touch it. This will help y-

"HANNIBAL.  _I am warning you."_

"Calm down Will. It's not that bad. Just touch i-"

"..."

"...."

"......."

" _Did you just throw a bottle of olive oil at my face?_ "

"YES. I just threw it at your _stupid_ face. I will tear this entire house apart finding something _much_ more heavy to crack your skull open with if you keep trying to put that god damn insect in my face...."

"...."

"Wha- WHOA- HEY! PUT ME DOWN! HANNIBAL!"

" _You've been far too vexing these past couple of days, I think punishment is in suit._ "

"...What're you gonna do?"

"You'll find out in the bedroom.  _That olive oil will make a nice addition into our activities don't you think?_  "

 

 

*whimper*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Will.


	3. "...Did you just-"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will dies
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> of laughter.

“ _ Ah  _ Hannibal”

“Will  _ Ah  _ I love you so much  _ Ah  _ I’d bu-  _ Ah  _ Burn the world for you”

“Faster _Ah_ Deeper! _Mmmm_ _Ah”_

“Yes yes  _ Ah  _ I’ll give you anything _ ” _

“ _ Oh god  _ Hannibal…  _ Yes! Im closeImclose Hanniba-” _

*fart*

“...” 

“...”

“.........”

“...Did you just-”

“...It seems so.”

“........BWAHAHA”

“...”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA- OMYGOD- HAHAHA”

“... _ Will.” _

“OMYGOD-HANNIBAL HAHAHAHAHA”

“ **_Will._ ** ”

“HAHAHAHAHAHA FUCKIAMSOSORRYHAHAHAHA”

“...”

“HAHAhaha… ahehe…. Hehehaha…”

“...”

“...”

“...are you don-”

“HAHAHAHAHAHA”

“...”

“Hehe- No wait Hannibal- comeback hehehe. I’ll stop laughing! I swear!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting for a long ass time. I really have no excuse other than just pure lazyness. I have like 30 prompts I randomly think of on 1 Google Doc document, so its not like I don't have material... It's just I'm too damn lazy to edit what I've written on whims. Sorry to whoever is on the edge of their seat for updates (which is nobody). Also sorry for the short length...


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